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Tag: self love

Say it with me, “This is for me.”

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It’s always been hard for me to do something for myself, mentally. I give myself a hard time. I don’t always cut myself slack.

I forget that my past mistakes, and even my present situation doesn’t necessarily determine outcomes. I forget to remember that compasses can be redirected. I forget to remember that I am not what my harsh inner voice tells me. I’ve always been quite bad at talking back to the loud inner critic and telling it to pipe down, and going on about my day. This anxious feedback loop is tiring.

I know that I’m capable of stopping, looking both ways, and then crossing. I know that you and I have the capacity to bear the world upon our shoulders as we take responsibility for the lives we lead.

What I don’t quite get is why a head so full of ideas, and words and everything that makes life worth living, can feel so dull.

At this time, I feel dull and uninspired and I haven’t known just what the thing was that needed an outlet. So I sat, and I felt guilty… for sitting! Man, our brains can really do us in.

I’m working on that. Instead of punishing myself, I will instead remember that:

Busy doesn’t always mean productive. I will try my best to remember that my value is the same as everyone else’s intrinsic value, and that even the most dynamic, adaptive and exploratory people can take a minute to be… bored, without it meaning their life has lost value.

It’s okay to enjoy myself. This one is hardest for me. I don’t know why fun is sometimes awful when fun isn’t something you’re used to having.

It is so hard to move forward when it looks like you’re going backwards, or dancing with stagnation. I suppose life is a cha-cha and not a line dance.

And sometimes, it is really hard to look on my past actions and feel as though I’m an okay person. It’s hard to choose to be good to myself when I’m overcome by the weight of uncertainty, or when I feel as though I’ve done something wrong. (Most of the time I’ve realized later on that I wasn’t guilty of anything but being too hard on myself).

Maybe you feel this way, too?

I guess this is the part where I say that it’s okay to feel these very human emotions, and let you know I’m here for you.

Yes, I am here for you, and we will both be okay.

This time though, I wanted to take this time to say thank you.


Thank you for reading this blog, and sharing in your time and existence with me. If you hadn’t, chances are high that I wouldn’t be here expressing myself if I didn’t feel like I could.

Thank you for giving me the space to share with you – to be human with you.

Thank you for the opportunity to create dialogue where there would otherwise be silence.

Thank you for doing nothing with me, even when that’s the hardest thing for you to do.


I can relate.

Just a friendly reminder for the both of us:

You are not your actions. You are more than tasks, duties, and checklists. Sometimes the best thing to do, and the most⁷ important thing we need to be is here. Right here. Breathing, living, and accepting that life wont always be acceptable, or tolerable, but choosing to show up for it anyway.

You’re not doing as bad as you think you are. If you’re satisfied, enjoy it. We don’t get our seconds back.

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Validation

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In someone else’s story, we are a villain. Despite this, we must know our own truth. Knowing is not enough, however.

In addition to knowing our experience, we must also give ourselves back to ourselves.
We must reclaim our lives back from the people, places, and even the very things that bring out the victimhood in us, even if our biggest obstacle is our inner critic.

Learning how to talk back lovingly but assertively to the voice inside that tells us we are undeserving, too lazy, too noisy, too loud, too much – is, therefore, an indispensable key to living life wholly again.

Validation of self is far more effective than validation from another. We won’t always have someone there in the flesh to make us feel good. We won’t (or don’t) always have a lover to tell us how beautiful, priceless and intelligent we are.

Self-love begins the moment we realize we don’t need someone to tell us we poop gold because we already know we do.

I have failed. Here’s Why I’m Okay With That.

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I will never again go to a school, job, or organization that does not value its students. I will never enter a shady job simply because it is a job. My time, brain and stress levels deserve better. You do too. Know your worth!

I entered school (College) in January 2019. I was determined to succeed and not waste any more of my life.

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Up until this moment, I have had a 4.0 GPA. I put all of my time, effort and energy into being there, and doing well. Things started out great until I reached out for disability accommodations, and then this [dis]organization revealed itself.

I was supposed to start at this school and then transfer to get my B.A. in Psych; I would then move on to my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy. It looks like I won’t be able to do that now. At least, not at this moment.

However, though I am disappointed, I remain unfazed by this. I am unfazed because I know I did my part 100%.

I purchased practice-test books, hundreds of dollars in school supplies, and this doesn’t include proctoring fees I was charged (which by the way, I did not even need to purchase because I’m not on campus, but was never refunded).

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As an example:
I wrote entire chapters by hand because something was off with the tests. What we were given to study was nothing like the exams we were assigned.

I thought I was crazy. Maybe I hadn’t studied hard enough – maybe I had to think outside of the box. So, I did. Still, the second and third exam came around, and again the tests did not match what we (my classmates and I) had read.

Lo and beholds, seventy-eight other students had the same issue. The. Exact. Same. One.


It was then that I realized other schools had the same exams word-for-word; apparently, it was what I had suspected – the materials were mismatched. I was so weirded out!

When the other students reached out to the professor, they were told it was something they, themselves had done wrong!

I’m guessing the teacher saw where I pointed out the tests were mismatched and felt as if I were playing hero. (To be honest, I guess I was, but there were so many students who had worked just as hard as me, I couldn’t stand the injustice and I felt compelled to help out).

So, I try to be a good person. Stone me.


(I did not cheat, I googled the answers BEFORE the tests, not during).

A few weeks later, one professor tells me that I have not read the chapters.
(Remember, of course I read them. I wrote them!)

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I was pissed off. I sent the professor photos of my handwriting on the work we were assigned – three to four pages front and back.

NO RESPONSE! NOTHING.

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I suspect this professor may believe I was cheating, because the institution’s name and password (that I need to enter class) has been removed. When I try to do the assignments, I simply can’t. I’ve sent multiple messages to no avail.

I learned that the “school” is on probation. Enrolled students were sent “word-salad”:
“We’re on probation but we assure you we are dedicated!”


What a crock.

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I can no longer give my all to shitty places, people, or even things that do not value dedication.

You shouldn’t either.

Do you know what that’s like? Running full speed at a brick wall? I bet you do, and I bet you’ve learned this lesson too. For that, I commend you for keeping your head on straight.

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BUT I NOTICED AN UNHELPFUL PATTERN WITHIN MYSELF.



I run at these brick walls. Again. And again. And again. Insanity? No.

It is more like the need to prove that I am worthy, no matter how much that stresses me out. No matter how one-sided things are, I noticed I push myself harder than I should. In some way, I think I have misplaced my intrinsic, static, God-given value. I have tied my value into how hard I work, how hard I push myself.

It’s almost impossible not to when as a culture people are praised and celebrated, rewarded even, for tenacity and grit.

Harder still, when you’re in a wheelchair: when you’re disabled and you strain, when you climb, when you take a few unassisted steps. When you don’t need to bother anyone to help you use the bathroom – when you can wipe your own ass. You know what happens?

YOU GET A FUCKING STANDING OVATION.


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How crazy is that? I had never made this connection before.

My friends, you are worthy not because of your actions. You are worthy because you are alive.



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If you have never known or come to this realization, I genuinely assure you that I am dead serious. I am so sorry that you have never felt loved just as you are; just as you should be.

Most importantly, I want to apologize to myself; to the child within me whose feelings got so hurt that they thought they had to prove themselves worthy of anything. To the little girl in me who was not protected – who only dreamed of unconditional love, who gave everything within her in hopes that others would give back, much to her dismay.


And to you, dear reader, I love you as you are.
Still, it is more important that you fail at everything so that you learn what you need to heal the most. It is okay to love yourself.

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