It’s always been hard for me to do something for myself, mentally. I give myself a hard time. I don’t always cut myself slack.
I forget that my past mistakes, and even my present situation doesn’t necessarily determine outcomes. I forget to remember that compasses can be redirected. I forget to remember that I am not what my harsh inner voice tells me. I’ve always been quite bad at talking back to the loud inner critic and telling it to pipe down, and going on about my day. This anxious feedback loop is tiring.
I know that I’m capable of stopping, looking both ways, and then crossing. I know that you and I have the capacity to bear the world upon our shoulders as we take responsibility for the lives we lead.
What I don’t quite get is why a head so full of ideas, and words and everything that makes life worth living, can feel so dull.
At this time, I feel dull and uninspired and I haven’t known just what the thing was that needed an outlet. So I sat, and I felt guilty… for sitting! Man, our brains can really do us in.
I’m working on that. Instead of punishing myself, I will instead remember that:
Busy doesn’t always mean productive. I will try my best to remember that my value is the same as everyone else’s intrinsic value, and that even the most dynamic, adaptive and exploratory people can take a minute to be… bored, without it meaning their life has lost value.
It’s okay to enjoy myself. This one is hardest for me. I don’t know why fun is sometimes awful when fun isn’t something you’re used to having.
It is so hard to move forward when it looks like you’re going backwards, or dancing with stagnation. I suppose life is a cha-cha and not a line dance.
And sometimes, it is really hard to look on my past actions and feel as though I’m an okay person. It’s hard to choose to be good to myself when I’m overcome by the weight of uncertainty, or when I feel as though I’ve done something wrong. (Most of the time I’ve realized later on that I wasn’t guilty of anything but being too hard on myself).
Maybe you feel this way, too?
I guess this is the part where I say that it’s okay to feel these very human emotions, and let you know I’m here for you.
Yes, I am here for you, and we will both be okay.
This time though, I wanted to take this time to say thank you.
Thank you for reading this blog, and sharing in your time and existence with me. If you hadn’t, chances are high that I wouldn’t be here expressing myself if I didn’t feel like I could.
Thank you for giving me the space to share with you – to be human with you.
Thank you for the opportunity to create dialogue where there would otherwise be silence.
Thank you for doing nothing with me, even when that’s the hardest thing for you to do.
I can relate.
Just a friendly reminder for the both of us:
You are not your actions. You are more than tasks, duties, and checklists. Sometimes the best thing to do, and the most⁷ important thing we need to be is here. Right here. Breathing, living, and accepting that life wont always be acceptable, or tolerable, but choosing to show up for it anyway.
You’re not doing as bad as you think you are. If you’re satisfied, enjoy it. We don’t get our seconds back.