Trauma said to my self-esteem:
"Hatred of self is the currency for love that would otherwise be freely given."
Except, all of that hate doesn’t equate
Love — that which is freely expressed.
To my soul, Commitment confessed:
"Abandon ship! To love and be loved is too big a risk."
To my heart, she cried:
"I love you. I’ll show you."
I’ve been walking a tightrope ever since.
the first time she smiled at me/it felt like her smile was forbidden/She buried her face in my pillow and she laughed as she bared her fangs/she never used them as a weapon with me/and I felt like I was one with the pack/Age wasn’t a factor and we/ fell in love starting from my first glimpse of her copper hair/Lines I traced in her hands/Often, I’d wonder why she’d chosen me/evidently fate had chosen us
There’s always been someone there when I felt like I wanted to end my life. Giving up is harder than pushing forward when there are these indigo children just like you, begging you to listen. So I do. I do not mean indigo children as in ancient aliens or the oval-shaped dudes on spaceships. I mean indigo, the color a child chooses to smear on her oil-painting as she tells me, someone who is three times older than her that I cant control my life, and that when I’m sad there’s nothing I can do but feel something.
There’s always someone there when I want to end my life.
She welcomes me home and does not know I have been trying to be a safe place for others to lick their wounds in, but still I am the altar left to collect dust from their mouths.
She says we’ll get out of here. She welcomes me home, and I forgot that I wanted to die.
There’s always someone there to remind me of what it means to be alive.
Time moves on, and I have held on
Still, I will weep for the child
That got lost in the abyss.
I can feel the ache in me
When I think back to all those homes
That I could not escape
I was too old at eighteen.
I left with nothing.
I am twenty-six now,
and sometimes I forget my age.
I forget that I'm in charge of me
I'm in charge of my feelings, now.
At times, this joyous freedom is too big a responsibility.
This is normal to a degree, but
Sometimes I forget my age,
When I think of
What people are capable of
Doing to a child
Sometimes, I forget my age
When I think back on where I've been
Or when I say I want to go home;
I forget that I pay rent
Sometimes I forget to remember that I am home.
Sometimes my mind forgets that I'm home.
I want to go home
And know that I am there,
Yesterday, I did not turn around.
There was some comment
About how I'm a blonde now,
But, I'm not.
I let you pretend
That our house wasn't on fire.
"Do you like it?"
You ask this in a way that reminds me
you like to make my mouth your favorite fishing spot.
I've learned a lot about lying from you.
You only came over to look around.
But you've covered your eyes.
I look over and I see your child
Repeating the same mantra,
"I am not a dock, there are no fish here,"
We repeat this together until you leave.
And then you do.
Our life resumes.
I am many things;
But, I am no thief.
I've been plucked from the same soil,
And would never dream of reaping
The harvest of your seeds.
I understand that prosperity arrives
In due season.
You took $39.84 from me.
You took $39.84 from my wife,
Not once, twice, but four times.
That's a weeks's worth food.
That's a few dates we can't go on,
(Even it is pizza in the candlelight).
But yesterday was 4/20, right?
Go get high while we take out more loans
Just to get by.
If you had realized you were taking from a person,
You'd be reminded that monetary value
Doesn't define your inherent worth.
The best part?
We would have given it to you.
Happy Easter to you too, from my family to yours:
It breaks my heart when something I believed in, disappoints me in the biggest ways. Perhaps, you know this feeling too. At some point, we all do – mothers, wives, caretakers, musicians, scientists – wherever you fall on the continuum, you are appreciated. You are worthy of your purpose.
Your story does not have to end, nor does your soul wish to remain useless; it may just be time to trail off the beaten path, or simply take a break.
As a passionate person, I thrive on fighting for good. I thrive when other people are lifted up. While I acknowledge my ego’s existence, I genuinely love helping people.
As you may have predicted, this sometimes pigeonholes me. I am often put in a position for the world to devour me, without so much as giving my spirit back.Things are looking up, however. I met a beautiful friend, named Katelynn:
I was able to get rent paid, finally; this affords me more time to get all the details of everything together to see where the road takes me. Moving into a bigger state would be a better option for me, for a number of reasons, including better health care.
I’m looking forward to seeing where the wind takes me, and I hope to see you around.