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Tag: Letters

On Trusting Again

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Hi there. Welcome Home! It’s so good to see you. <3
I realize that I haven’t written as much as I have in the past. Fear not! I will not abandon our little corner of the ‘net.

What about you? How are you feeling?
I hope you’re doing well. I hope your present moment is tolerable. If it isn’t, I’m not going to feed you some line about things being peachy in the future.

Instead, I hope that you find the relaxed, good-natured friends you seek.
I hope that as time goes by, you’ll find that they are the type of friends who want the best for you; May you come to see that you can shoulder the burdens of this life with them.

Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash

After all, things can get heavy from time to time.
It is not what you’re going through that matters, but who you go through it with.

More than anything, I hope you find the courage to share who you really are with your comrades. You deserve it.

If you’re anything like me, you might be thinking, “That’s so hard! What if the people I meet hurt me in some way? What if they conjure up some version of me that is untrue, or worse, unkind? What of my reputation…? It’s not like I had much of a good track-record with interpersonal relationships to begin with, right…? Right?”

Photo by novia wu on Unsplash

Extending our authentic selves subjects us to a world of possibilities, both good and bad – dark and light. This also includes more risk and a lot of deep emotional investment, including vulnerability. That’s no joke. We as people can be so sensitive to pain and rejection – and many of us feel everything.

How does any one expect us to trust them?
How can we ever do such a monumental thing like trust again?

Photo by McKenna Phillips on Unsplash

Even though I’m still trying to figure that out, I say this for you with love:
Do it. Do it, and don’t look back. You aren’t too broken, bad, or damaged to be befriended. You’re never too wounded to be loved.

You’ve nothing to lose but silence. You’ve nothing to miss but the stories that you’ve already read. You aren’t better off alone (unless you need time to yourself to heal). We weren’t made to be paranoid, distrustful, and solo all the time.

Photo by AKÂ¥N Cakiner on Unsplash

Stop telling yourself the same narrative, and invite others into your future chapters – including the best version of yourself, whenever you’re willing and able. Take a chance to witness yourself as beautiful as you really are, and as other humans (and puppies, and cats) really are. 🙂

Photo by Fabian Gieske on Unsplash

You’re worth it.

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Tomorrow

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Tomorrow I’ll be back in the swing of things, and I’ll once again be posting regularly. I’ve moved and was without steady internet connection for a while. I have not abandoned this home I’ve made. I hope you, little reader, forgive me for my absence. There is still a place for you in my heart and in my words.

I have still kept my word that I’d put everything into this blog as well as into my artwork. Currently, I have an amazing air mattress (I’m not kidding, it’s amazing)! and a projector that serves as my TV. Honestly, it was a pretty cool idea.

My apartment is empty but my heart is full. When we rid ourselves of the “stuff” that was weighing us down, doors opened, literally and figuratively.

I don’t feel broke, or broken. I feel accomplished and confident knowing that when we need to, we can make our lives work. Making decisions that are scary can be liberating.

We had to sell our vehicle for a cheaper one. We don’t regret this decision, although it really stung to trade in a car that had just recently been paid off. Upon leaving the dealership we got pulled over and were warned that we had a brake light out. Needless to say, we were both pretty irked, as it was sold to us this way.

Freedom is indeed chaotic at times! All we have is each other now. We do have a good friend near. The three of us do our best to look out for each other.

Once settled, I’ll do my best to build again, one day at a time.

I’m excited to get back to volunteering with CrisisTextLine. It’s the one thing I’ve missed most while being “unplugged” for the good old internet. I missed putting my time into something that saves the world, I guess.

I know my latest posts have been conversational, and perhaps even a bit off the beaten path, but if you’re still with me, thank you so much for being here during this tumultuous and beautiful time. We’ll figure it out as we go. Tomorrow somewhere between 1-5, I’ll do my best to liven our humble corner of the internet up again.

I will always remember you, fellow bloggers, artists, wayfarers and dream chasers throughout the day, and hopefully keep you good company as I continue telling you stories of healing through written word.

I love you.

Welcome Home.

You’re safe here.

I am pretty peaceful these days.

10:43 P.M.

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My house looks emptier as the days roll on. No kidding, I’ve gotten rid of almost everything except my tapestries, and my desk (which I plan on trading in for a smaller one). Of course, I still use my laptop to write to you on here.

If you’ve been following me since I vowed to you that I would put my all into my art, and into pursuing my passions while encouraging you to do the same, you’ll be happy to know I’ve kept my word.

I’m sitting in an almost empty apartment. I still can’t work a 9-5 job. I still promote my coaching sessions when appropriate. Happily, success found me by the word, ‘no’.

A friend of mine always puts herself before others; with my guidance and her own inner strength, she finally put herself and her needs first by saying no… to me! 🙂

Ah, when you’re own teachings backfire on you, you know you’ve done a great job.

I was not angry or upset, I was so very proud to know that she had come so far after just talking with me a few times.

Having mentioned this to you, don’t ever underestimate what you can offer someone. I have been in a wheelchair all of my life. Sometimes just your existence is enough to turn someone’s outlook on life around.


Happy Birthday, Mommy.

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Hey there. Today is April 17th, 2019. Today is mom’s birthday. Today is also the sixteenth anniversary of her passing on April 17th, 2003. Some folks are kind of shocked to realize that she died on her birthday. Like… almost as if it was a bad omen, or as if it was unfortunate. I’ve always thought it was a matter of perspective.

These are some heavy times for the lovers, the introverts, and the givers.

At the risk of coming across as blasphemous, I am personally glad my mother is not here to bear the burden of these polarizing trials life has handed to us.

Perhaps I may have had a rough decade or so and maybe my view’s a bit skewed. I digress.

As time goes on, the blindfolds come off; allowing my worldview to grow exponentially. I am grateful for growing pains. I hope to experience as many as I can.

My mother only lived to be twenty-seven.
I am currently twenty-six.

Admittedly, I have recently been plagued by the hope that I will not die at twenty-seven like my mother. This phenomenon is not uncommon; though I do find it odd how it hit me so suddenly, so heavily.

Death will not come for me. I will not allow it. Give me another five years at the very least and then we’ll talk. 😉

I’m kidding. Pretending is something I am atrocious at. Therefore, I won’t pretend that I plan to evade the reaper. On the other hand, I do not intend to go down without a fight. I have always struck out only to come back swinging.

Ask about me. 😉

My destiny does not have to align with my mother’s, and I don’t think she wants that for me. I will not allow her passing to override the joy of my own aging. (Honestly, I think I get more attractive the older I get). I’ll be a hot old lady.

I love the confidence that comes with aging.
I wish I was able to witness more people embracing the passage of time.

My mother was so young. She was just starting out. She had such love and light to give to others. She was hurt easily. She loved easily. The classic blessing begets the classic curse.

I have definitely followed in her shoes when it comes to being a lover. I love, and love, and love. These days, it’s called codependence. If love is my affliction, I think I’m doing pretty good for myself.

I didn’t love my mother as I should have. Who knows love at ten? Though, I love her now, every day, fully. There is not a day that goes by that she does not cross my mind. It is a feeling that cannot be grasped.

Yet, I can think of no one who deserved the freedom of the afterlife as much as my warrior of a mother.

I love you, Ma. I love you with all of my heart. I think of you daily. I know you don’t like to see me agonize over life the way I often do. So, I’m trying to get my shit together, Ma. I’m writing again. I try to be a good wife. I talk about you a lot. I wish I could see films about you. But, that wouldn’t suffice. Take care of your granddaughter for me. I miss her every day since I lost her. Though, I sure am glad she got to meet you on her own. My stories of you wouldn’t do you justice. I love you. I’ll be alright. I’ll be alright, Ma. Sleep good, beautiful. How lucky I am to have my daughter and my mother as guides.

Happy Birthday Mom ♥





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To you, Sweet Baby

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I cant seem to smoothly connect with you in person, to no fault of your own. My baby, I know that you’re trying. It pains me a bit to know that I love you on paper, more than I do right beside you.

Still, when I am gone, I will leave my writing to you, since all of this was inspired by you, and written for you, by me in the first place.

I love you. I admire you. These words will never suffice, because my anxiety, and codependent thoughts get in the way.

I really appreciate you.

Seven years. We’ve been through your gender transition, the loss of our only biological child, our family stepped out quietly. And I’m not the greatest at coping with Cerebral Palsy.

You still bathe me. You still clothe me.

You still hold me. You hold me when rent is past due; when the debts are high and the accounts are low, you still hold me. You believe I am worthy to be embraced.

You play Stardew Valley with me. You make time for me.

You believe I taught you what love was, simply because I stay; when it is you teaching me how to love – calmly, steadfastly, and quietly.

Thank you.

I love you always.

-Your Wife

I’m Here For You

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Instead of telling you to keep going, instead of telling you that things will improve, I will sit with you. I will shoulder that burden with you. I will sleep on that floor with you. I will eat in the dark with you. I will lurk on the streets with you. I’ll break through windows so that you can feed your hungry children, with you. I will be there as you cry yourself to sleep for the fourth time this week. I’ll be there when life’s laughing at you, yet again. I’ll be there. Thank you for letting me be there for you. I love you.

Welcome Home.

You’re safe here.

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