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Tag: faith

This Blog, And Our Community of Readers (You) Are The Reason For Everything.

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Here I am, at 5:46 A.M. in my friend’s spare room. I have not slept. I have not slept because within me, there is a gigantic screeching harpy who is threatening to devour my soul, unless I write something.

Even then, this feathered creature will most likely not vacate my insides until I’m satisfied with at least a few sentences of whatever it is I’m striving to convey for you.

The thing is that I love writing. I also love technology and the far-reaching web of the internet. Thus: blogging became my outlet. I am grateful; I’ve discovered a lot about myself through this blog.

I have gained so much more than I ever thought possible. When I started this blog, I was in quite literally the worst possible mental state one could possibly be in.

I was choking on my own anxiety. I had only just recently decided to rip the metaphorical duct tape off of my mouth and to finally, once and for all, begin telling my truth.

I kept a lot of the things that were causing me pain deep within my psyche thinking it was the right thing to do, quite honestly, because I didn’t want to be the loud-mouth who made everyone look bad or feel like shit about themselves after reading about how gloomy, hypervigilant and distrustful I really am.

Second, there are not a lot of people (or at least that’s what I assumed), that would understand why I so desperately needed to carve out a safe space on a blog through writing, or by recording videos in which I overshare my fragile existence and overestimate people’s attention span as well as my inability to hold said attention.

But, with my wife’s permission, I told our story. I wrote about how I started this blog with the hope that more people would be compassionate towards transgender individuals and their families. Even though that’s only like ten percent of what Welcomehomehealing.com is meant to be, it was the catalyst for freedom of expression, the tail on the donkey, the straw that broke the camel’s back, etcetera etcetera.

I’d go on about covert abuse, power imbalances, codependency, generational negligence masked as stoicism and how it all hit me in the face after years of thinking I was the one who wasn’t good enough, but that’s really not the point.

My point is that I was in a really bad way. I had no out. But I had the internet. I believed my voice could still move mountains and it was at this time I was forced to use my mouth, written words, and blog to liberate myself from hell. I could only use what I had at my disposal – my laptop and our story.

So I wrote and wrote and kept recording videos and kept putting my heart on display until I met the people I needed to meet, who then became friends.

I also wrote about the nasty childhood wounds that are still pervasive to this day. I wrote about my miscarriage. I wrote about how I’d put every cent into creating this space of safety for others, like me, who just couldn’t seem to find a lifejacket in times where they couldn’t wake up without being drowned in tears and sunlight.

Because I was true to myself, because I risked everything, because I had faith that someone, somewhere would resonate with our message and what we stood for, I do not live in my car.

Because of the kindness and generosity of others and a whole mountain of faith and high hopes, I am safe to create a life for myself and my partner, and not the other way around.

I have you, the reader, to thank for that. If you are reading this, please know that I love you and all will align as it should.

Words and truth helped me find a home. A blog, this blog, is the reason I now live right next door to a dear friend. If you hadn’t read it or attempted to understand, I’d probably be a little less… cozy.

Love and compassion have been in abundance more than ever before, and though it is a lot to take in, I would never dare complain.

So thank you… thank you for liking words so much that you read my letters and ramblings to you. Keep writing, there’s much more to gain from expressing lived truths than monetary value.

Write because you want to and because you deserve to. It’ll take you places. 😉

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Faith? Faith.

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Making the decision to lose everything or live in ridicule is never a choice a human should have to make, even if they are ‘queer’.

I’m in a situation that I realize is far better than half of the universe. I’m not sleeping under a bridge, I’ve been able to pay my water and light bill, and I’m not starving.

To keep a long story short, I’ve applied to at least fifty or so jobs in the last 2 weeks, and I’ve heard nothing back.

My wife and I are basically left with nothing after years of anxiety-ridden days of having no choice but to coexist (interact?) with people who admittedly said they would never accept us.

Money was at stake, but eventually, it became blood money, and there was no way we could hide anymore.

I realize what we gave up. I realize that money leads to open doors, but I also will not sacrifice my soul for it. That’s essentially what we were asked to do. Hide, or be hidden.

Finding a job with a disability is excruciating. It is painful. If entrepreneurship were not a thing, I don’t know where we would be.

My wife took on three courier jobs, delivering food. She’s made thirteen dollars so far.
I am a volunteer for a crisis line, and I was hoping to find a job from home. I haven’t found anything yet.

So, I got a little bit creative and started this blog up again, which has proven to be emotionally fulfilling, and I’m genuinely happy to be here. I’m also hoping to start a podcast under the same name (welcomehomehealing).

I’ve got some school money to carry us through, but I can’t lie and say I’m not apprehensive about the future. But the funny thing is, I’m not scared even though I’m staring poverty in the face.

I’m no stranger to it. I’ve been here before. I’m only hurt because my wife deserves better. Helplessness (not being able to help those you love most) is far worse than empty pockets or the sting of betrayal.

At the same time, I’m at peace with where we are. We are free, though it came at a large price. I’ve made the decision to put my all into this blog; into all of my art, and not looking back. I’ve decided to grow wings from this time in our life, and I’m doing my best to be grateful for it.

I’m excited to tell you, the reader, stories about where we are, where we hope to be and walk with you on this journey. I am not afraid. I have spent far too long in fear.

***If you are transgender, gay, a person of color, or disabled, or if you face discrimination in any way, please know that your qualities that differentiate you from others are also the ones that make you beautiful, even though you don’t feel that way at this moment. If you suffer or have suffered at the hands of a loved one, my heart is forever with you.***

I love you. There is a place for you. If nothing else, please feel free to take comfort and find a home in this blog. This is why I affectionately named it “Welcome Home” or “welcomehomehealing”.

Please, if you are reading this, no matter who you are or where you are, don’t lose sight of who you are. Don’t ever give up. Life has so much in store for both of us.

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