I will never again go to a school, job, or organization that does not value its students. I will never enter a shady job simply because it is a job. My time, brain and stress levels deserve better. You do too. Know your worth!
I entered school (College) in January 2019. I was determined to succeed and not waste any more of my life.
Up until this moment, I have had a 4.0 GPA. I put all of my time, effort and energy into being there, and doing well. Things started out great until I reached out for disability accommodations, and then this [dis]organization revealed itself.
I was supposed to start at this school and then transfer to get my B.A. in Psych; I would then move on to my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy. It looks like I won’t be able to do that now. At least, not at this moment.
However, though I am disappointed, I remain unfazed by this. I am unfazed because I know I did my part 100%.
I purchased practice-test books, hundreds of dollars in school supplies, and this doesn’t include proctoring fees I was charged (which by the way, I did not even need to purchase because I’m not on campus, but was never refunded).
As an example: I wrote entire chapters by hand because something was off with the tests. What we were given to study was nothing like the exams we were assigned.
I thought I was crazy. Maybe I hadn’t studied hard enough – maybe I had to think outside of the box. So, I did. Still, the second and third exam came around, and again the tests did not match what we (my classmates and I) had read.
Lo and beholds, seventy-eight other students had the same issue. The. Exact. Same. One.
It was then that I realized other schools had the same exams word-for-word; apparently, it was what I had suspected – the materials were mismatched. I was so weirded out!
When the other students reached out to the professor, they were told it was something they, themselves had done wrong!
I’m guessing the teacher saw where I pointed out the tests were mismatched and felt as if I were playing hero. (To be honest, I guess I was, but there were so many students who had worked just as hard as me, I couldn’t stand the injustice and I felt compelled to help out).
So, I try to be a good person. Stone me.
(I did not cheat, I googled the answers BEFORE the tests, not during).
A few weeks later, one professor tells me that I have not read the chapters. (Remember, of course I read them. I wrote them!)
I suspect this professor may believe I was cheating, because the institution’s name and password (that I need to enter class) has been removed. When I try to do the assignments, I simply can’t. I’ve sent multiple messages to no avail.
I learned that the “school” is on probation. Enrolled students were sent “word-salad”: “We’re on probation but we assure you we are dedicated!”
I run at these brick walls. Again. And again. And again. Insanity? No.
It is more like the need to prove that I am worthy, no matter how much that stresses me out. No matter how one-sided things are, I noticed I push myself harder than I should. In some way, I think I have misplaced my intrinsic, static, God-given value. I have tied my value into how hard I work, how hard I push myself.
It’s almost impossible not to when as a culture people are praised and celebrated, rewarded even, for tenacity and grit.
Harder still, when you’re in a wheelchair: when you’re disabled and you strain, when you climb, when you take a few unassisted steps. When you don’t need to bother anyone to help you use the bathroom – when you can wipe your own ass. You know what happens?
If you have never known or come to this realization, I genuinely assure you that I am dead serious. I am so sorry that you have never felt loved just as you are; just as you should be.
Most importantly, I want to apologize to myself; to the child within me whose feelings got so hurt that they thought they had to prove themselves worthy of anything. To the little girl in me who was not protected – who only dreamed of unconditional love, who gave everything within her in hopes that others would give back, much to her dismay.
And to you, dear reader, I love you as you are. Still, it is more important that you fail at everything so that you learn what you need to heal the most. It is okay to love yourself.