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Faith? Faith.

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Making the decision to lose everything or live in ridicule is never a choice a human should have to make, even if they are ‘queer’.

I’m in a situation that I realize is far better than half of the universe. I’m not sleeping under a bridge, I’ve been able to pay my water and light bill, and I’m not starving.

To keep a long story short, I’ve applied to at least fifty or so jobs in the last 2 weeks, and I’ve heard nothing back.

My wife and I are basically left with nothing after years of anxiety-ridden days of having no choice but to coexist (interact?) with people who admittedly said they would never accept us.

Money was at stake, but eventually, it became blood money, and there was no way we could hide anymore.

I realize what we gave up. I realize that money leads to open doors, but I also will not sacrifice my soul for it. That’s essentially what we were asked to do. Hide, or be hidden.

Finding a job with a disability is excruciating. It is painful. If entrepreneurship were not a thing, I don’t know where we would be.

My wife took on three courier jobs, delivering food. She’s made thirteen dollars so far.
I am a volunteer for a crisis line, and I was hoping to find a job from home. I haven’t found anything yet.

So, I got a little bit creative and started this blog up again, which has proven to be emotionally fulfilling, and I’m genuinely happy to be here. I’m also hoping to start a podcast under the same name (welcomehomehealing).

I’ve got some school money to carry us through, but I can’t lie and say I’m not apprehensive about the future. But the funny thing is, I’m not scared even though I’m staring poverty in the face.

I’m no stranger to it. I’ve been here before. I’m only hurt because my wife deserves better. Helplessness (not being able to help those you love most) is far worse than empty pockets or the sting of betrayal.

At the same time, I’m at peace with where we are. We are free, though it came at a large price. I’ve made the decision to put my all into this blog; into all of my art, and not looking back. I’ve decided to grow wings from this time in our life, and I’m doing my best to be grateful for it.

I’m excited to tell you, the reader, stories about where we are, where we hope to be and walk with you on this journey. I am not afraid. I have spent far too long in fear.

***If you are transgender, gay, a person of color, or disabled, or if you face discrimination in any way, please know that your qualities that differentiate you from others are also the ones that make you beautiful, even though you don’t feel that way at this moment. If you suffer or have suffered at the hands of a loved one, my heart is forever with you.***

I love you. There is a place for you. If nothing else, please feel free to take comfort and find a home in this blog. This is why I affectionately named it “Welcome Home” or “welcomehomehealing”.

Please, if you are reading this, no matter who you are or where you are, don’t lose sight of who you are. Don’t ever give up. Life has so much in store for both of us.

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Start Where You Are

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Getting started is the hardest part of anything.

If you struggle with getting started, this post is dedicated to you. If you are a creative soul with billions of ideas, and you get excited to have a new idea, but then find yourself suddenly discouraged at the thought of executing those ideas: you are not alone.

I, too, struggle with getting started. I’ve struggled with it since childhood. I started writing poetry when I was seven years old. I have no good excuse as to why I haven’t yet written and published a book yet, other than the simple truth that I get stuck in my head. The ideas keep playing on loop. The possibilities often remain possibilities.

I can empathize with the thought of pouring my heart into a work of art, and then breaking my own heart as I imagine it going unopened or unread. Every artist knows this internal struggle. I know you do, too.

Tonight, this will change; for you and for me.


Let’s jump together. Let’s try together. 

I’d like to ask you to get started on whatever it is that you want to do. Forget that you don’t know all the technicalities yet, set aside the need to retain more, and start to do more.

The world already has enough experts. There is only one you.

Give yourself permission to begin. You are beautiful. You are talented. You deserve to end the war within yourself. You are worthy of the purpose you seek. You can create whatever it is that you want. 

Maybe you’re a helper who longs to help. Perhaps you’re a painter, a poet, a musician, a mother whose dreams were put on hold, a hardworking father worn out by the daily grind.

This is your permission, friend. Go after what your soul is hungry for. I shoulder the highs and lows with you. I’m more than happy to do so.

So,

What are you going to do now?

If you need someone to share your ideas with, feel free to E-Mail carla@welcomehomehealing.com

There’s nothing we can’t do together.
Thank you for being here with me.

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Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

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WELCOME HOME!

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My name is Esmeralda, and my goal is to guide you from victimhood to empowerment.

My goal is to get you out of your head and guide you to where you want to be.

This blog is not about me. It is about you. I believe in you.

 I’m interested in your results.
BUT.
I’ll be happy for you even if you fail.
I’ll be cheering you on when you succeed.
My goal is to be a source of light for you.

I’m not a mental health guru. I’m not an expert on anxiety. In fact, I’m still working on my degree, and I’m starting at community college.

I know nothing, except that up to this point, I’ve wasted the gifts that I’ve been given by sitting in cycles of shame and guilt. It is only now that I have realized shame and guilt are only useful if the feelings themselves can turn into action. I’m here to share with you how I’ve come to that realization.

I didn’t get here overnight, and it’ll take time to believe in yourself the way I believe in you.  The important thing is that you’re here. You’ve realized you’re stuck, or unhappy, or uneasy.  This is a great starting point.

I’m currently trying to put a podcast together, and I’ve got a few topics in mind.
I hope you’ll stick around as we progress together.

Toothless Grace

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Losing everything is devastating.

teeth

Losing everything when your resources are already quite limited can feel as if life’s just shoving you in a locker for fun. The times that we feel as though we’ve had our teeth kicked in seem to go on and on with no end in sight. No matter how pretty the lights are or how slow the carousel spins, we’re bound to get dizzy.

We’re stripped bare, with our egos exposed, ashamed of what we find; forgetting that our insides are beautiful. We forget that we were born naked, vulnerable, and helpless. This did not make us any less valuable. In fact, our innocence was embraced. 

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Maybe you’re experiencing this season of toothlessness at this moment. If you are, I’d like to gently remind you that dentures exist for a reason, and I’m more than happy to pop those bad boys right in there for you until your adult teeth feel safe enough to push their way through your cotton candy gums.  Let us not forget that toothless grins are innocent and beautiful.

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If life is kicking your ass and leaving your smile bloody, grin as wide as the Cheshire cat. A little blood won’t scare love off. Love after loss is the building block to rebirth. Love cultivates that which has been untended and overlooked. Love is stronger than the vines that grew over the soul. 

Love is the foundation that makes starting over worth it. If the pain of life and the loss that will inevitably reach all of us is the price we pay for strengthening the love that surrounds us, then with all sincerity I say to you: grow, my friend. Grow and pay no mind to the dirt. 

growth

You may have been buried alive for a long time. You may have eaten dirt and mistaken it for fudge, simply because you desired it.

truth

You may have packed your truth so deep down inside because you loved them. You loved them so much that you’d devour the soil that was meant for your growth just so they could heal. You tried to heal them. That is why you are worthy. That is why I know you’ll grow just as you were meant to, and now you’ll have more love left for you.

Real Odd Love

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It’s 2:39 A.M., people. This post is an attempt to sort things out in my own head. First things first. I’m a volunteer crisis counselor for Crisis Text Line. (You should really check them out. There’s never been a time since I started that I’ve regretted it.)

Second of all, I’m married to a transwoman, who I had known as a man for almost five years before they came out to me. We are still together. We also previously had a child together which, unfortunately, I miscarried. HRT prevents biological children like 99% of the time, and for quite some time I was inexplicably angry, especially after I had gone through this entire transition with her and then was barred from going in to see the doctor with her.

Honestly, that’s the only thing that still really devastates me to my core. I wasn’t mad because I wasn’t allowed to go in. I was mad because I was treated like ‘the red-headed stepchild’ rather than her fucking wife who had recently carried and lost their only biological kid. I felt insecure because a lot of people see us as some scandal or a bad joke. I felt as if I were a beard, a ploy, a decoy, a means to an end. Now that I’m more secure of who we are, things have gotten better. We’re in group and couples therapy and have literally the greatest MFT I’ve ever been to. In August, we’ll have been married for five years and I would not change a single one of them.

WE ARE REAL. WE ARE VALID. SHE HAS NOT ‘HAD AN AFFAIR’.

I do not care that she’s trans; I only give a shit about whether or not she’s a good person. She always has been. I know that seems hard to believe, but she has literally wiped my ass for almost a decade now. I can’t reach my butt all the time ’cause I have, like, T-Rex arms. You can bet if she ever got sick I’d do the same for her.

Oh, yeah I forgot to mention, I’m also in a wheelchair. I have Cerebral Palsy. I moved around a lot when I was a kid. We found each other and she never left my side. Day and night since August 18th, 2012 she’s been, my hero. She bathes, clothes, cooks and cleans for me with zero complaints. We’ve each been a handful to each other but she is still without a shadow of a doubt, the best person I have ever met in my life.

LOVE EXISTS. REAL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE EXISTS AND IT IS MAGICAL IF YOU MAKE YOUR OWN WANDS. 

If you are trans, you are not unloveable or any other negative thing those shitty people, who aren’t right for you, made you believe about yourself. If you are physically disabled, you also are not unloveable; you are more than your body. You are mind. You are a soul. You are already made to love and be loved in return. There are people in this world who will be absolutely devoted to you, even if you think you resemble a potato, okay? You are not too broken. You are not too flawed. Who you are is exactly who you need to be.
Own. That.

Also, holy moly, the number of people waiting for us to get divorced is quite appalling. #StillDon’tGiveAShit
You see, I don’t give a shit because I realize that people are people, and, they can do whatever it is that they want or need to do to better themselves.

Also, I haven’t asked her to pray anything away. I’m saying this in the nicest way I possibly can: If you are asking someone to pray an essential piece of their being away, God will never answer in the way you want him to. God understands you, and he will give you the strength to change perspective if you wish to do so. Before you start throwing bricks through my window and all that nonsense, let me say this:

I am a Christian. I believe in God. I love God just as much as you do. However, in my opinion, asking God to take something away from another person is unjust. You cannot intervene with God’s will for that person. God knows his child is trans – that’s between that person and God. It is not your battle.

If your argument (or someone else’s argument) on why trans people are sinners is because “God doesn’t make mistakes” then… that kind of falls apart on itself because God doesn’t just peace out because his creation, his fearfully and wonderfully made creation needs to make some changes to feel better and to be better. If he does, then that’s no God I would choose to put my faith in.

God will meet you wherever you are, and he cares for you no matter what your situation is. The amount of depression and anxiety that my wife has been freed from since beginning HRT is astounding, okay? She had lost her will to live. If she had kept on living as a man, she would have taken her own life. You cannot serve God if you are dead on the inside as well as the outside. Now, since HRT has put her feelings, thoughts, and spirit in order, she can serve God better than she could before, because she doesn’t spend her days in a mental fog with crippling gender dysphoria.

In fact, the only thing I’ve ever felt the need to pray for her about was that people loved her and accepted her as much as I did. I did not ask God to make her a man or to stop her from transitioning. Instead, I talked to him. I told God that I was scared for her and that if this was truly the road she needed to go down, that he walks beside her and grant her clarity to make her decisions. I prayed that he keep her safe. I prayed that he provide her with the strength she would need to travel down a seemingly lonely road. I prayed that if this was not his will for her, that he help her make a U-Turn.

We all have lost nearly all support, save for a few long term friends. We have lost almost everything including our jobs, our routine, our life as we knew it. It is only now that we know the meaning of losing our lives in order to find them. Though the world seems to be crashing down around us, we know a carpenter. 😉

If loving her is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE SUPPORTED. 
IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER.

If you are a trans person who is struggling, please reach out to https://www.translifeline.org/
If you are a family member/friend/ally who loves a trans person, and you’re looking for help coping, please reach out to https://pflag.org/.

Instinctively

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If I witnessed sweat dripping from your palms at the sight of me,
I’d assume my face did something weird
Before ever assuming you could possibly be in love with me.

Categories: poems

Tags: , , ,

Spirit and Bones

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The spirit and bones are opposites

But they coexist

For the sake of balance

The spirit is for seeking grace

Bones are for supporting your vessel.

One levitates

The other, solidifies

And when you grow weary of the ground below

the spirit is determined to fly

It cannot be anchored by the limitations of your bones.

Look up.

Categories: poems

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