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Category: poems

Appreciation Defeats Waste

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Hello, and welcome home! It’s so good to see you! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you all are doing well, and making the most of life.

I haven’t had much to say lately, and I realized that was fine. I have a tendency to feel like if I’m not speaking or thinking of something important that I’m wasting time, and the more I thought on it, I began to realize that just being and breathing is perfect.

Time is never wasted, as long as it’s appreciated. I realized that I love children so I plan to finish my TEFOL certification. I also realized how much I love people as well as education. To be able to combine the two would bring me peace.

I’m quitting smoking and I also have a good sleep schedule for the first time since I was a kid! That’s exciting and for sure a monumental step for me.

What about you? Have you been proud of progress, even by a small amount? You deserve to feel proud of any improvement, progress is progress no matter how insignificant it may seem.

Before we wrap up, I’d just like to ask you to do one small thing for yourself that would bring you joy.

I love you.

Welcome Home.

You’re safe here.

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Categories: poems

On Trusting Again

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Hi there. Welcome Home! It’s so good to see you. <3
I realize that I haven’t written as much as I have in the past. Fear not! I will not abandon our little corner of the ‘net.

What about you? How are you feeling?
I hope you’re doing well. I hope your present moment is tolerable. If it isn’t, I’m not going to feed you some line about things being peachy in the future.

Instead, I hope that you find the relaxed, good-natured friends you seek.
I hope that as time goes by, you’ll find that they are the type of friends who want the best for you; May you come to see that you can shoulder the burdens of this life with them.

Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash

After all, things can get heavy from time to time.
It is not what you’re going through that matters, but who you go through it with.

More than anything, I hope you find the courage to share who you really are with your comrades. You deserve it.

If you’re anything like me, you might be thinking, “That’s so hard! What if the people I meet hurt me in some way? What if they conjure up some version of me that is untrue, or worse, unkind? What of my reputation…? It’s not like I had much of a good track-record with interpersonal relationships to begin with, right…? Right?”

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Extending our authentic selves subjects us to a world of possibilities, both good and bad – dark and light. This also includes more risk and a lot of deep emotional investment, including vulnerability. That’s no joke. We as people can be so sensitive to pain and rejection – and many of us feel everything.

How does any one expect us to trust them?
How can we ever do such a monumental thing like trust again?

Photo by McKenna Phillips on Unsplash

Even though I’m still trying to figure that out, I say this for you with love:
Do it. Do it, and don’t look back. You aren’t too broken, bad, or damaged to be befriended. You’re never too wounded to be loved.

You’ve nothing to lose but silence. You’ve nothing to miss but the stories that you’ve already read. You aren’t better off alone (unless you need time to yourself to heal). We weren’t made to be paranoid, distrustful, and solo all the time.

Photo by AK¥N Cakiner on Unsplash

Stop telling yourself the same narrative, and invite others into your future chapters – including the best version of yourself, whenever you’re willing and able. Take a chance to witness yourself as beautiful as you really are, and as other humans (and puppies, and cats) really are. 🙂

Photo by Fabian Gieske on Unsplash

You’re worth it.

Purpose

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Hey, you!
How’s it going? Today is June 9th, 2019.

I’m thankful that I’ve gotten to rest these days. (Rest doesn’t come easy for me at times; I’m working on that).

I have a question for you, and I am genuinely curious to see your answers.
I’m in a group on facebook where other women with Cerebral Palsy come together to share their experiences, joys, and to ask questions we probably couldn’t ask in ‘real life’.

In the group I posted a question:
How do you find purpose if you’re unemployed due to a physical or mental illness?

I’ve been struggling with this because I feel as though I’m in a constant state of letting time pass, or overworking myself when I decide to take on an art project, writing project, or a writing class.

To say that I am unsatisfied would be a lie. I’ve come far from where I was a few months ago, and I’m not ungrateful in the slightest. The scenery is different; it is beautiful here.

Now, I just have to figure out a new routine here, as a disabled person as well as an introvert.

This is why I wanted to ask you, the person reading this, how do you find purpose if you are disabled; or if like me, you are still searching for that fulfillment, what are you passionate about?

I’m so excited to hear what you have to say! Hopefully, we can learn from each other. I’ll see you soon.

-Esmeralda

Letting Go To Grow

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As much as we all dream of meeting our potential, it will not come without sacrifice.

Photo by Simon Harvey on Unsplash

Sacrifices that we, as people on a mission, could never dream of until we are faced with them. When we think of success, we tend to think of a precise line. Success is anything but linear. When we pray for success, it’s not that our prayers go unheard, it’s just that we are responsible for our next steps.

This is where it gets tricky, though;
Sacrifice, never seems like sacrifice in the moment. I have found that sacrifice usually presents itself as ultimatums, and impossibility.

As an example: In an earlier post, I illustrated the fact that in order to move, I had to do the impossible: I had to choose between my two dogs in order to move to my new apartment. I had to move in order to get a fresh start, mentally as well as financially.

I was unable to make that decision at an earlier time, and as a consequence of my indecision, I was faced with it again.

It was time to decide, would I do the unthinkable in order to get a fresh start, or would I stay where I was, because of my resistance to change?
It was not easy leaving my chihuahua behind.

This pain we are asked to face, I believe is why we sometimes stay where we are, even if change would be good for us – because we aren’t willing to lose. In turn, we also forfeit our right to choose.

Photo by Caleb Jones on Unsplash

I can’t blame or shame anyone for that. Letting go of anything – routine, our children, our parents, our habits, at times even our entire identity, is devastating.

There is no manual for letting go. There are no easy ways; there are no ways to avoid the pain of letting go.

As humans, we are wired to choose pleasure over pain – that’s the way our brains are. Our brains are also geared toward habitual ways of being, like drug addiction. Nobody wants to let go of something that makes our world easier to deal with – even if it causes us pain and ultimately, death.

We know that resistance is futile. We know. We only let go when it’s time to, and it’s never the right time to say goodbye to a friend, lover, or family member.


Success looks nothing like our daydreams.

Photo by Wil Stewart on Unsplash

If I could paint a picture of what the road to my potential looks like, it looks an awful lot like indecision, on top of a mountain of self-reflection.

At best, there is recognition and pats on the back. At worst, it’s a whole lot of facing ourselves – our demons, our loneliness, maybe even the fact that we aren’t as nice and charitable as we see ourselves.

That, my friend, is the cross we must bear. When we are pondering pursuing our potential, when we are thinking of our art being published, when we imagine ourselves on the shelves of our local bookstore, or on our local news, we must then ask ourselves what we are willing to lose in order to make our dreams a reality.

This is my question for you, dear reader,
What are you willing to lose, or choose?




In the comments, you can feel free to tell me about some of the choices you’ve had to make to get where you are. What was the impossible choice, what was the outcome? I’d love to hear from you.

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Welcomehomehealing.com‘s Logo, credit goes to the Author: Esmeralda Marie

I love you.
Welcome Home.
You’re Safe Here.

Risk in Love

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 Trauma said to my self-esteem:
"Hatred of self is the currency for love that would otherwise be freely given."

Except, all of that hate doesn’t equate
Love — that which is freely expressed.

To my soul, Commitment confessed:
"Abandon ship! To love and be loved is too big a risk."

To my heart, she cried:
"I love you. I’ll show you."

I’ve been walking a tightrope ever since.

On Language Surrounding Chemical Dependence

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If you are suffering, or have ever suffered from the cycle of addiction, I love you. I hear you. You are worth so much more than what you realize.

You are not ‘an addict’. You are addicted. There’s a big difference. 
Your name is not “junkie”. You are who you say you are. You are the paths you travel and the hands you hold.

Chemical dependency does not have to erase the core of who you are, and it should never define you.

Letting go is much harder than what we, as fellow flawed humans, have given you credit for.

As a person involved in the sphere of mental health, I’d like to say personally, before anything else, I will do my best to not let your personhood be buried under the weight of the stigma.

Validation

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In someone else’s story, we are a villain. Despite this, we must know our own truth. Knowing is not enough, however.

In addition to knowing our experience, we must also give ourselves back to ourselves.
We must reclaim our lives back from the people, places, and even the very things that bring out the victimhood in us, even if our biggest obstacle is our inner critic.

Learning how to talk back lovingly but assertively to the voice inside that tells us we are undeserving, too lazy, too noisy, too loud, too much – is, therefore, an indispensable key to living life wholly again.

Validation of self is far more effective than validation from another. We won’t always have someone there in the flesh to make us feel good. We won’t (or don’t) always have a lover to tell us how beautiful, priceless and intelligent we are.

Self-love begins the moment we realize we don’t need someone to tell us we poop gold because we already know we do.

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